Working on Your Relationship by Yourself

By Linda Richie Mabie

Conflicts can be expected to arise even within the strongest of relationships. Two people who attempt to create a relationship always bring their own issues and difficulties into the interplay that occurs between them. It is not at all unusual that two people might find themselves in a deadlock at times. They see no way to break the impasse or recapture the spirit of goodwill that they once had and would like to have again. Each party’s personal conflicts come into play and stifle communication. Rather than confronting our own part in the problem, we may resort to blaming our partner; “If she or he would change, then we could be happy.” While it is ideal for the pair to agree mutually that there is a problem that needs to be confronted and to show an equal amount of motivation in solving the problem in relationship therapy, such is not always achievable. One of the partners may not be ready to work on problems and the reason for this may be perfectly valid. One person may fear that working on the relation¬ship could bring up other problems. Rather than condemning our partner for his or her inability to work on the relationship, it is far more productive to show respect for our partner’s view and realize there is a great deal that one partner, acting alone, can do to create a relationship that is happier and more fulfilling for both parties.

Working alone on a relationship problem can mean that we have to take a look at our own issues and contribution to the difficulties at hand. While this challenge is not always easy, the payoff in terms of our own emotional wellness can be enormous for personal happiness and the success of the relationship. Working solo on a relationship may mean coming to terms with the anger we have fostered (perhaps for years), taking responsibility for our own happiness, breaking out of our old ways of seeing the world, changing our expectations about how we should live every day, and accepting the good in our relationship as being good enough. We may even find that letting go can bring us tremendous rewards that we never expected. It may mean letting go of some of our most entrenched behaviors.

We often look to our partner to provide for our needs and this can be a mistake. People need to function in a whole and complete manner regardless of their relationship status. The best relationships are generally those in which two healthy and fully functioning adults come together and enhance each other’s lives with love, support, trust and nurturance. They appreciate the gestures of love that they receive from their partner, but they would be able to live full and complete lives even if they were not in a relationship.

You may think, “It is not fair that I have to do all the work on the relationship.” You may be right. It is not fair, but that is all right. When considering that idea, remember that many things in life are not fair. Illness, financial setbacks, and grievous losses come to the best of people. Even if there were complete equality between you and your partner, there is no assurance that the problems in your relationship could be solved. Part of the human condition is to persist even when circumstances are not ideal. Your partner may lack the ability to provide equal input into solving the problems of your relationship, but sometimes the strength and courage of one person is needed to compensate for the shortcomings of another.

Working alone on your relationship means working on yourself. By making a shift in how you define your own sense of self, thoughts and feelings, you can help create the conditions that bring your relationship into a state of mutual harmony, support and love. A trained professional therapist can help you identify and modify patterns in the way you approach your relationship. The rewards can be immeasurable for both you and your partner.

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About Linda Richie Mabie

Linda Ritchie Mabie, Ph.d has a doctorate degree in Psychology and is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT). She specializes in helping people experiencing depression, anxiety, phobias, severe stress and excessive worry. An active duty Army officer for over 20 years, Dr. Mabie has worked extensively with active duty military personnel and their family members at DeWitt Army Hospital, Fort Belvoir, Va., and Walter Reed Army Medical Center (WRAMC) in Washington D.C. She has advanced training and extensive experience in the areas of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Clinical Hypnosis, and Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT). The most important thing to Dr. Mabie and her associates is providing therapy and counseling that produce results and help people experience themselves, their lives and their relationships differently.