Separating? Divorcing? Mediation Brings Quick Relief

By Virginia Colin, Ph.D., Family Mediation Specialist

In the best of all possible worlds, all marriages would be everlastingly happy. No one would ever need a family mediator. Unfortunately, in the U.S. today, more than half of all marriages end in divorce. How painful that process is and how long it takes varies enormously from one family to another.

Often it starts slowly. One partner feels more and more dissatisfied, tries whatever they can think of to make things better, and eventually tells the other partner that it’s over. Sometimes the second partner has felt the change coming; sometimes he or she is taken by surprise. Either way, each partner may experience what feels like a crazy mix of emotions: anger, despair, relief, insecurity, exhilaration, shock, guilt, helplessness, resentment, anxiety, depression. Just when it is most difficult for the parents to handle their own feelings and take good care of their children, the children may be feeling many of the same upsetting emotions. In the midst of this emotional chaos, the parents must make decisions about what is feasible and what will be best for their children. Adversarial litigation tends to add fuel to the fires. Mediation can put some fires out.

Most separating couples could benefit greatly from family mediation. Alone, the parties may have a hard time talking to each other without pushing each other’s hot buttons. The mediator can let them blow off steam if they need to and then bring them back to focusing on decisions. Which days will the children spend with each parent? Can one parent afford to keep the marital home? How will the income that supported one household now support two? And so on. Mediation can often help couples develop agreements quickly. When major issues are resolved, everyone – children as well as parents – can begin to calm down. Life may remain stressful as the family changes, but it is likely to be far less stressful than the alternative to mediation: responding to formal sets of questions from attorneys, preparing to testify in court, and waiting in a state of
Anxious uncertainty for a judge to rule first on the most urgent issues, later on interim motions, and, months or years later, on the major issues (long-term custody, visitation, financial support, and property division).

The sooner the parents can resolve some of the important issues, the sooner they and the children can start feeling more secure and happier. Some couples are able to agree before they separate about where each will live, what the children’s schedules will be, and how they will manage financially. Others separate first and find mediator(s) and lawyer(s) later. Some return to mediation years after their divorce because family circumstances have changed. Some parents who were never married find a mediator to help them develop parenting plans and agree about child support. Whenever there are issues to resolve, mediation can often help the parties to end their disputes and make good plans quickly so that everyone can begin to feel better as soon as possible.

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About Virginia Colin, Ph.D., Family Mediation Specialist

Virginia L. Colin, Ph.D. is a certified Family Mediation Specialist with decades of professional experience in teaching, research, counseling, and mediation. As a parent (married, then divorced, and then, years later, remarried), step- parent, foster parent, friend, counselor, and mediator, she has extensive experience with the emotional, financial, and legal aspects of family distress, separation, divorce, and subsequent changes. She graduated from Swarthmore College with High Honors and later earned an M.A. in Psychology from Columbia University and a Ph.D. in Developmental Psychology from the University of Virginia. She travels to neutral locations throughout Northern Virginia to provide family mediation services. To make an appointment, email mediatorQ@gmail.com or leave a short, clear message at 703.864.2101.

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